Fluctuations

Hello fluctuating weight, you frustrate me.

I couldn't blame it to anyone else though, I've been eating a lot lately, and when I say, A LOT, I do mean A LOT. You see eating is my coping mechanism. and just like what Kat said, it's how people deal with the feeling of emptiness, if noone could fill it in for you, you just have to stick something in that barren, desolated part, just so you'd somehow feel better. And yes, I've only got food to fill in.

Not any guy could fill in that space anyway, I've tried dating different guys, and by different, I mean, they really are different. From guys my age to the age of 25, but I still haven't felt gratification. Maybe I just have to get over my past completely before I could finally start again with another one.

But I ain't on a rush, like what I've told my friends, for the first time in my life, I wasn't looking and rushing to find a guy for me. Seriously. :) I've survived months by just relying on my own means of attaining happiness. and that didn't really include vices, boys, alcohol, and other what-nots. I kept myself busy hanging out with friends, party and bar-hopping was of course crossed out from the the things I did.

Partying was just never my thing, I never really enjoy partying, except for meeting new people. I spent weekends with family and childhood friends, and the bliss I acquire from it was just much more than what I could get from late night gimmicks. It's alcohol free, bonding-conducive, and of course, non-hazardous to my fragile health.

I've been away out of the hospital for months already, except for the days that I have to go on duty. I have not been admitted or confined for 2 months already. ALthough I was diagnosed with Hypersensitivity Type 1 last week, and had to be under steroids medication again, so hello, water retention, and weight gain.

Anyway, those are my recent updates. I still haven't regained my ardor for writing, but I've regained my appetite, and I plan on losing it. :)) HAHA.

Diet starts next week, I promise. :)

I'm 3 kilos/almost 7 lbs away from my target weight. :( boooo! 47kg, Imah work the fats off and get to you.

Tomorrow I shall be jogging with Daddy. :) Made me giddy giddy. :)

Testing. Testing.

Hello there blogger world! I'm just trying to blog using my safari browser through iPhone. It's amazing! :)

Although it's giving me a hard time typing. I'm too lazy to get my laptop from it's bag. It looks like it's resting well there and doesn't want to
be disturbed anytime soon.

I shall blog again tomorrow. I'm feeling sleepy, I wanna close my eyes and fall to
slumber...

Living against the stigma.

I could observe the social stigma against fatness or chubbyness all around the globe. It pisses me off somehow, but I'd call myself a hypocrite for feeling so. I mean, yes, I am easily annoyed by the people who are extremely conscious of their weight/figure, but I am one of them too. Everytime I eat A LOT, I get depressed, although it gives me this momentary bliss of being able to feed my cravings, but the thought of calories freaks me out, really.

You can say that I'm inconsistent, I wouldn't disagree. I go pro-anorexics to being anti-anorexics. The feeling of having flabby arms and legs really intimidates me, it makes me not want to eat all day. It makes me wanna purge everytime I eat, be BULEMIC, so to speak. It got to the point that I start to pity fat people, it got me to thinking how hard it is for them to carry that heavy weight, but it made me hate myself too. I used to love eating (well, i still do, but not as much as before), I never really cared if my weight's just within normal, but as of this moment, I'm aiming to weigh below normal.

My parents and my friends have been counseling me about this. I've seeked serious medical advise as well, my psychologist's assessment says that my weight's within normal, but could be classified as bulemic. He says it could be correlated to my depression. The depression part deserves another blog entry though, and I'm not really in the mood to do so. Maybe tomorrow. ;)

Despite my dislike for fats and calories, I'd still want to live a normal life, I mean, eat normally, without having to think of the possibilities of gaining weight. I want to enjoy food without having negative feeling afterwards. I wanna learn how to love myself, just the way I am.

I want my comfort foods to give me the feeling of comfort, not depression because most of my comfort foods are high in fat. I wanna be happy, and contented with my body.

I wanna feel great despite the other problems I have right now.

Please, please, please. :|

Starting over

For months, I never really had the chance to post an entry.

For the first time in my life, I HATED WRITING, Literature, Life poetry, and the like. But after thinking about it over and over again, I realized that I shouldn't give up this one thing I've always loved --- WRITING. I can never let any person make me forget my passion. NEVER.

And so here I am now, starting all over again...from scratches. Because I haven't made entries for quite a long time, I think I've lost the ability to write with coherence, or at least make a journal with sense.

My life, as of now, is okay. I mean, yes, it has glitches, it has it's ups and downs, but believe me, I'm a stronger person now (despite the weak body --- because, I am even more sickly), with a greater sense of responsibility.

In a few months, I'd be graduating from college, maybe start being independent by means of getting a job, but seriously, I'm not ready yet. Things seem to be a lot more easier when you have guidance around you, when you still have the reason to be dependent.

Well, anyway. That's it for now. This day started sucky since dad had to leave for Bangkok for a business trip, and I had to be sent back to the dorm really early since nobody else will. Ergo, I missed the Alaska Kids' swimming today, but worry not, Paola dear, there'll be another one next week. HORRAH. :)