Commuting ALONE 101

Before I start, let me give you a brief background about myself...

Most of the people who know me well(or at least long enough), know that I am not the type of person who's used to public transportation means. Don't get me wrong though, I am no elitist neither am that I-come-from-a-rich-family-you-can-never-make-me-commute type of girl. In the first place, I am no rich kid. It's just that, I was never made used to commuting, neither do I know how to cross the street(properly). Ever since I started schooling, it's either I take the school bus to and from school, sometimes when they have time, my parents send and fetch me themselves, I drive myself to school or they find me a place to live at somewhere near where I study(just like when I was in college). Aside from those 4 ways mentioned, I sometimes do commute BUT ONLY if I have company. 

Like my bestfriend, bokbok, here.

this is Jansen, my bestfriend
he always accompanies me when I want to go home but I'd have to commute. 

this one is kekits <3

Oh! And if you consider taking a taxi cab as a method of COMMUTING, then yes, I commute, AT DESPERATE TIMES.

photo credits here.

You might be wondering why commuting's a big deal for me. Aside from the fact that I wasn't made used to it, those moments I tried to do so, always leave me fearful to have the guts to try once again. It's either I get into an accident, something gets snatched from me, or I get held up. I'm a pessimist in nature, and a bit paranoid, too. Those unfortunate circumstances I hear from people who commute had me terified, and got me thinking that it ain't too impossible for those to happen to me, too. And so I opted to get stuck in my I'm-scared-of-the-public-transpo corner, and have always been held back to commute.

But things do change. Aparrently. Oil prices zoomed up, and so did the toll fee. The number of nurses soared high as well, and jobs for us professionals under this category, crashed from plenty to scarce. And I gotta admit, talking about moneyluck? this just ain't my year.

photo credits here

photo credits here

SO I HAD TO ADJUST.

I didn't want to be a dependent twat asking money from my parents for my gas and toll expenses, it was, by far, too expensive, too unreasonable. So I thought to myself, I have to learn to commute, so as to save up.

You see, everytime I bring my car to manila, I spend approximately, 800 pesos for my gas and toll fee, and that's just for a day, plus that doesn't include yet my food expenses. On the other hand, commuting only cost me 300. So that's 500 off my financial burden (well at least for an unemployed adolescent like me and from my parents whom I ask money from). Aside from this monetary relief, I get to rest and sleep too when I commute, which I definitely don't get when bring my car with me. Instead, I get extra lines on my forehead because of stress and frustration from the daily traffic in the city, not to mention, the offensive drivers scattered wherever you go.

Enough of the ranting.

For the first time, I am more than proud to let the world know that I now commute ALONE. Yes, you read that right, ALONE. And no, it's not my usual definition of commuting (taking a cab). Finally, I decided to rid away and face my fears (but with the benefit of the doubt, plus I haven't taken the FX yet, still).

Tried riding the tricycle, jeepney, the bus, the eeky LRT 1(will blog about this soon) and the forever crowded MRT. It does take longer than usual, and I do get stinkier and sweatier more often, but who cares? I am not alone in this. HAH!

For days, I've traveled with people whose stench works like ammonia, waking up the unconscious, or formalene, which does the opposite. It doesn't happen everyday though, and it doesn't really make me feel whiny, because I have this thought in mind, "tiis lang pao, yung ipapang-gas at toll mo, ibili mo nalang ng pabango" ("patience, pao, instead of having to pay for gas and toll, just use the money to buy yourself perfume").

In contrary to the stench and sauna-like heat, I have more time to rest and sleep, I could use the money to buy stuff for myself instead of alloting it on private travelling expenses, plus I get a lot of realizations, JUST LIKE THIS!

I know I am not the only person here who used to be in that I'm-scared-of-public-transpo corner. Do you share the same experience? Or at least, feel the same way? Or maybe, wanting to do the same, but too scared to go for that drastic change? Fear not to let me know about your experience, or what you feel and be relieved that you are not alone.

Xoxo,

Pao.

Sleepless

Notice the date on the watermark, It says 2008.
What do you know, I've been a sleepyhead for years!
*photo courtesy of Patrick Reyles

You know how important sleep is to every person? (Okay, I will try not to be so technical with regards to medical terms here, or at least try to explain what those terms mean) 

• Source of energy. Okay, so aside from the nutrients we get from the food we take in, we also get energy from rest and sleep. It’s how we retrieve the energy that we lost from our day’s activities. 
• Learning and Memory. Oxygen is abundantly supplied to the brain while we’re sleeping. A brain well nourished with nutrients, and oxygen, functions well in terms of retention, and memory consolidation.
• Mood. Remember those moments in school when you come in class, sleepless (or lacking in sleep)? Isn’t it that you feel cranky and not wanting to talk to anybody? You appear to be impatient, and you tend to lose your concentration on what you’re doing? You feel moody. From hyper to depressed, from depressed to getting violent. 
• Decreased immunity to Viruses and Diseases. When you are deprived of sleep, you get deprived of immunity as well, and become more susceptible to health problems, such as cancer, hypertension, stroke, plus psychological and mental problems. Cardiovascular and problems on the immune system, most commonly.
• Obesity. People who have no background on medicine and human health would probably question why sleep deprivation could cause obesity or weight gain, to say the least. Other studies have also shown that insulin sensitivity and levels of two appetite-related hormones - LEPTIN and GHRELIN - can be affected by sleep deprivation, which could impact weight. Leptin is associated with appetite control and Ghrelin has been identified as an appetite stimulant. During sleep deprivation, leptin levels fall and ghrelin levels rise. 

I didn’t blog about this just to make me feel better about my oversleeping. It actually doesn’t. I know scrimping on sleep isn’t good for my health, OUR HEALTH, but neither does oversleeping. As the saying goes, too much of something ain’t good.

You see, with the course I decided to keep up with, stress is a common factor, and most of us deal with it through Somnolent Detachment. Sleeping gives us this temporary high, addicting indeed but it isn't something we could freely succumb to, or else, our grades would be yawning zero (0) as well. 

Going back, aside from the hiatus from my blog that I’ve been on for days (and the need to post something here), I actually just wanted to share this piece of info to everybody. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been told to share information that appear to be helpful to everybody, and, no, that doesn’t include rumors whether it might be helpful to haters. :) 

I shall make more posts like this when I get hyped up, or get in the perfect mood to write! Ciao! 

XOXO.

RANTING 101

My rants give me a reason to blog, and I apologize that my entries (most of the time) include whines. I really don't mean to be a whiny person, but sometimes, I just have nowhere or nobody to vent it out to, that's why I resort to writing to take the sentiments off my chest.

I have been meaning to write about different stuff since the past days, but I was lazy to, or didn't have enough knowledge on the topic I wanted to write about. You see, I really wanted to post sensical blog entries, but I always end up with my favorite hobby, RANTING. Actually it frustrates me that I never run out of things to whine about, I have everything that I NEED but it triggers my tantrums that things don't go as I WANT them to. I am no spoiled brat, and my parents taught me well that for me to get what I WANT, I have to work hard to get it. That I have to keep on trying until I succeed on something I failed at. That nothing can't be achieved if you give your best and strive to achieve something. I always kept those in mind, but I always fail on the APPLICATION part.

Recently, so many things came up and I really wouldn't deny that my life was and still is on the rocks. If there is something so consistent with my life as of the moment, that would be PAIN and INCONSISTENCY. But I believe as well that PAIN is self-inflicted - We choose whether we want to suffer or not, that there are other things we can divert our attention to, to alleviate our suffering, and GRADUALLY intervene with the problems.

Solution isn't attainable in a snap of a finger. Just because your perceived resolutions seem fit to fix glitches, it doesn't mean that it would work out as we thought it would. Remember that, we learn by trial and error, through our experiences, from the mistakes we've carelessly committed and from the people around us.

Long-term change takes time and consistency. Do not be upset and be disheartened if things don't go as planned, instead, change the way you deal, be optimistic and keep trying until you get what it is that you desire.

Will try to keep myself reminded of this to avoid disappointments and more rants, and hopefully I get to post something interesting here aside from my never ending rants. It's already 5 in the morning and it looks like I shouldn't sleep anymore. I just hope I get to stay up the whole day!

XOXO, Pao <3

Someone just turned 21

It's been almost a month since I last posted an entry here in my blog, and I honestly have no idea what to write about. Not that my life has been boring the past 4 weeks, it's just that, there are so many things going on recently that I can't organize them and put them into words. They're all boggled up in my mind. I really couldn't say that I am happy, neither am I sad.

And hey, I just turned 21 last 27th of October. Nothing too significant happened, unlike the past years, and I'm close to believing that only kids less that 21 years of age are the ones deserving to celebrate their birthdays. I wasn't being cynical, I just came across that realization. Signs of aging, probably? BUT I HOPE NOT.

I want to do something really different for the next months. Hopefully before I turn 22, I've already accomplished a lot of stuff. However, that really wouldn't happen if I'd keep slacking off and bumming around. This sedentary life had me gain tons of pounds since graduation, and it has been giving me the feeling of being useless.

It's 5am and I'm still up and about, not even close to dozing off, but I'm signing out after having this post published, turn off my laptop, and will try to sleep afterwards. PFFFBT. GOOD NIGHT... err. or should I say GOOD MORNING, blogger friends? The latter sounds better.

Til my next blog entry, everyone. 

xoxo <3

may justice be served

I despise the fact that I have serious sleeping issues. Once again, it's 4am yet I am still wide awake when I should already be asleep. In the dead of the night, unwanted thoughts crawl up to your mind and gradually consume you. I wish there was an easy way out of this, but we can't always have things we want in an instant. Reality can't work like magic.

In relation to that getting-things-we-want-in-an-instant topic, selfish and uneducated people are just getting more brutal these days -- crimes happen just EVERYDAY. Fact is, there hasn't been a single day in my life that I never heard a crime being reported in the news. That alone, has made me lose my interest in watching the television, and no, I ain't kidding -- I seriously don't watch the TV.

It was last wednesday when I read about the news about the 19-yr old ComSci student of UPLB who was raped, tied, and shot in the head, and I would not have found out about it had it not been that my HS batchmates (who used to study/studies in UPLB) simultaneously changed their profile pictures into this. All reports and investigations show that robbery was the motive of the murder, and I am actually not surprised since this has been happening quite more frequently nowadays. I just don't get why and how people do it, how their consciences deal with it. How does it let them sleep at night? Has murder and robbery been able to fill up for their insufficiency? I could come up with a number of questions to ask, but I don't think anyone could give me a rational answer.

Poverty is never enough for an excuse. My parents always keep me reminded of that, there are always other things you could do, and there's nothing God wouldn't give if he knows you really need it and you worked hard for it. I'm just really upset to hear how easily people turn to the devil out of desperation, out of their dire want for something instant.

My sympathies for Given and her family. I don't know you personally, but I know very well that you don't deserve this. You could've accomplished more, you could've reached so much, but don't worry, people are praying for you, people are doing their best to find the ones responsible for this incident (so that they be punished as they deserve to be), and people are intently seeking for justice so that you may rest well in peace. 

You lived a fruitful life, you served as an inspiration, and your life, even if it ended early, was never wasted.

And as your fellow UPLB student said, "Pahinga ka na Given, kami na magpapatuloy ng laban mo".

I know you're in a better place now with God. May you rest in peace.

I, on my end, will keep on praying that justice be served righteously.

On Binging with the Typhoons.

I've had this sort of "diet" planned out weeks ago, but I haven't started on it yet. Aside from my dire want to cut down on my intake, I haven't been to the gym for a month, seriously. Talk about wasting my monthly gym membership fee.

I thought training for ultimate was enough, but I think it made me gain more pounds. It might probably be because of the muscle mass I'm getting from the conditioning and circuit training, or maybe because of the food fest me and my teammates usually resort to after hours of exhausting training, I really feel like I gained. Nonetheless, I wouldn't want my life be without ultimate, and my teammates as well.

"'Di bale nang mataba, basta masaya"

I meant it when I said that, but who wants to be fat? We can eat everything, yes, but we can also do something about it, right? Like jog, do extra crunches, sit-ups, run an extra mile. I know I'm not the only one frustrated with my figure, I bet one of you guys are, too! So we gotta be fair. If we want to keep eating, we gotta keep moving, too!

Let's do this, everyone! On my way back to 100lbs, I go! HOHO.

4 am.

My fingers won't remain stationary as my heart cringes in pain. I'm writing this at almost 4 in the morning, hoping that my words are capable of bringing forth my inner peace. And while half of me hopes to cut the early morning serenity and vent out, half of me just wants to go to slumber and once again, forget. Just like how you SOMETIMES do.

I'm sorry, I'm a loser for I can't seem to forget a thing.

I still cannot leave behind the memories of how I got attached to every bit of you, how I fell, and how I easily lost. How the pain lingers, resurfaces and breaks my ease every now and then. How ambivalence strikes me with how you make me happy and at sad at the same time. and how ambiguous my own feelings can become because of you.

But as you said, we can't have everything. And I am thankful for being reminded of that. Having to go through this made me realize that God made people exist in our lives for a certain reason. People leave to make us realize that we shouldn't always depend our happiness on others. Hearts break to teach us how to put them back together ON OUR OWN. Pain exists to keep us aware that we're humans and we're alive.

People come and go.
We get into crossroads requiring us to let go of someone, but God would never let us be alone forever.
Life is a cycle, it never stops, it just restarts.

Day 5: What I love about myself.

I've been staring at this blank space for about 30 minutes already yet I still couldn't seem to think of one thing I love about myself. I guess what I love about myself is that, I am loved by many people, because I am genuinely nobody, but me.

Why do they love me? I don't know, I'm not sure. One thing I'm certain is that, I am compassionate with everything I do. I am very expressive, and affectionate, and I wouldn't want to miss a chance of letting people know how much I love them neither do I want it to be too late. and maybe that's one of the things they like about me.

I am not the person who is quick to judge and I am definitely not the person to give up on another because I know how it feels. So if you become a part of my life, I'm gonna make sure you stay.

Day 4: That perfect first date.

Day 4: Your idea of the first perfect date

I'm not really fond of making plans on how I would like my trip to go like. But irregardless of disappointments and unexecuted ideas, might as well go on with this, it's just a challenge anyway.

Honestly, I don't like the idea of extravagance when going out on dates, neither do I like the idea of putting your best foot forward (for the guys) since it kind of creates some bias. Be yourself and carry out what you can, although it would really be commending if the guy exerts effort on your first date.

I think first dates are about getting to know each other, so I really wouldn't advice watching a movie since that wouldn't provide you ample amount of time to talk. Going out for a walk would be fine, I believe that the key for a successful first date is to provide a lot of opportunity for interaction. Most people shy away from the idea of simple dates because they feel like they must do something complex to impress their dates, but I'd have to disagree. 

The only thing I need with my date is his genuine self, humor, wits and a small amount of cash for snacks (like street foods!) -- although I wouldn't mind paying. Street smarts can get you really far, and it doesn't cost a thing. If my date's savvy takes him far enough and I enjoyed his company, then that indeed is how perfectly I want my first date to be. Simple isn't it?

Day 3: September 3, 2011

Day 3 - Post a photo of yourself taken today + a description of your day

Bianca, Gianne, and Sandy :)

Today was Ate Hanna's medical-board-exam-passing-dinner-celebration and I have once again, been reunited with my QB's. I'm not quite sure what "QB" specifically stands for though, but it has something to do with Sandy's obsession with the gay population. LOL. These two girls are two of the closest people in my life, and are like sisters to me. We haven't been spending time together recently and barely have time for catching up so that's what we did earlier.

I'm happy that both of them are already working and are satisfied with their jobs. These girls are very hardworking, I have no doubt that they'd be successful with their careers in the future. We had a few drinks as well, and Sandy, as expected, was the first one to get knocked out. Too bad I had to go home before we even got to finish the last bottle of vodka, so didn't get to see her rolling on the ground (but she was already tipsy when I left). HAHAHA. I'm kidding, love. I wonder things went after I left. Hihihi. Thank you, Loves! It was a great evening. I missed you so much. :')

Pardon me for the extra weight :(

Day 2: Random Shmandom

Day 2: A random piece of information about you

I'm sure not everybody knows that I love to read and write. I love reading books, anecdotes, short stories by random people on the internet and I love to express my thoughts through writing as well. However, I think that I still have problems with my incoherence, and sentence construction, but I don't really mind hearing negative feedbacks 'cause I'm sure they'd help me improve. I shall keep on writing, 'til I manage to get rid of my flaws.

I read and write for the same reason, INSPIRATION. My need to learn, be motivated and be inspired is what keeps me reading. I read more, to learn more, to see beyond what my eyes can see, and to feel more than what my heart can feel. Reading gives you the feeling of being infinite, invincible -- that you can reach places and do anything with just your book, your eyes, your mind and it's ability to imagine. The feeling is just fleeting.

My dreams on the other hand, led me to write. I want to be able to motivate and inspire as people well, just like how those writers touched my heart with their words. I know one day, I will, and I will never stop trying and believing that I can.

DAY 1: Years from now.

As mentioned on my previous entry, I'm doing this 30-day challenge to kill time, and also to reconcile with the part of me that I seemed to have lost.

Okay, so for DAY 1: What do you want to be when you grow older?

I can end this challenge with just one word -- SUCCESSFUL, but that would be vague, and that really wouldn't answer the question "What". So I shall reconstruct and expound on my answer.

Working with numbers and logic -- that's how I saw my future back when I was still a kid since both my parents are engineers and I really look up to them. Math has always been one of the things I love, until I went to college. I decided to deviate my interests to what I was forced to like -- science, anatomy, memorization, things that I was never really good at because I was taking up nursing. I was bombarded with tons of information about the human body, the function of our organs, medicines, medical and nursing interventions, nursing laws and everything related.

My dreams of living with math my whole life hasn't really been consigned to oblivion, working in the medical field, we are expected to know very well our dosages and solutions, and our skills with math and pharmacology has everything to do about it. Going back to the question for this day's challenge, and setting aside my ardor for math (forgive me for the incoherence, i just have so many thoughts in mind), I want to be a successful professional in the medical field. I am currently a registered nurse and also a certified renal nurse, I have undergone necessary trainings and is willing to know a lot more -- I just haven't started with my journey yet, not until I'm finish and pass my NCLEX.

I don't want to be just a typical nurse doing her job, writing nurses notes, giving patients their medications and performing interventions as ordered by the doctor only because she's there for the salary and experience. I want to be that one-of-a-kind nurse that does more than what she's expected to do, I wanna be my patients' friend too. I want to leave a mark on each of them and be remembered -- that there was this nurse who cared for them and loved them as if they're her family.

Apart from being happy and successful with my career, I want to be successful as well with having a family of my own. I don't think I'm too young to think about my future family life, but some things are just better planned than spontaneous, don't you think? I want my to have a wonderful life, happy and contented, get married and have kids. I want to be a loving wife and an understanding mother years from now -- when I already have a stable job and a salary enough to support my family.

I want to be in a place where love is unrestrained and contentment is within reach. Someday, I'll be that someone -- happy, successful, contented and loved. Years from now I want to be that lady, free from regrets, has triumphantly learned from her life experiences and mistakes and has successfully lived her dreams.

and I'll get there cause I believe that I will and I work my way towards my goal.

The 30-day Challenge

Thank you, Ekai, for giving me something to waste time on for the next couple of days. I guess I needed this.

So this is how I'm planning to kill time for the next 30 days(if I get to finish it), since I barely finish things I start -- like the 365-day photo challenge. My review got delayed, and will start tomorrow instead. And since I don't want to live in monotony, I shall do some things in random.

and I shall start on it tonight.

One Day

I don’t want to spoil it for those who haven’t watched the movie yet, but the movie’s a complete tearjerker. It depicts how it only takes one day to meet that one person, who’d change your life forever — one day to find your soulmate and a lifetime to realize that you’re actually meant to be.

Albeit the challenges and the phases that they had to go through, fate existed, and put them back together, no matter how many times they’ve been set apart. I guess that’s just how life goes, and that’s why we have to just go with the flow.

I am just so eager to get a copy of this book by David Nicholls, I’m just curious, it has always been, that the story in the book’s better than the one in the movie -- let's see if it also applies to this one.

The pathophysiology of falling.

The gravitational pull of the earth 
isn't responsible for people 
falling in love.

Not any amount of
endorphins and pheromones
could explain. 

Not even a number of hearts skipping b e a t s.

When you fall...

YOU JUST DO.

Ergo, a specific love pathophysiology-wanna-be does not exist. It varies from person to person, and relationship to relationship.

That Phase.

What scares people most about leaving is the uncertainty of what lies ahead. How do they start anew? How do they digress from the broken past? How do they begin their new journey without that one person who has always been there? How do they commence their healing?


COURAGE and PAIN. Once people have finally mustered up the courage to leave their broken state, when they’re too tired of pain, that’s when life restarts. I have been in that same broken situation before, when I badly wanted to move yet my desolated heart wouldn’t, because it had a tiny bit of hope in it. When it hankers for healing but the only way to get it cured is by letting go, and I wasn’t willing -- so I remain shattered and reluctant to put the pieces back together. Until I got fed up with making mistakes that have already seemed to be a routine.


I have lost myself while sulking in the pain that I’ve brought upon myself. I have become a mess, flunked quizzes, missed project deadlines, and I developed trust issues. Fortunate was I that my friends had faith in me, they believed in me, and they never gave up on wanting to save me. They made me realize how much of a mess I have become, they helped me get back up from the failures that I made happen, they bailed me out of the darkness I’ve fallen into, and because of that, I am more than grateful.


They gave me strength so I could go through the gloomy days, they rescued me from my downfall, and because of them, I was able to muster up the courage to get myself back, and even better. Just when I was on the verge of losing everything I immensely worked hard for, I was resuscitated, and their love helped me heal.


Everything I learned from the principles of psychiatric nursing was indeed factual and reliable – a person with a firm and good support system could withstand anything, and that she needs to know that people actually care for her to want to continue living. A depressed person also needs time to dwell on the reason for a certain period of time to be able to achieve acceptance.


Truth hurts, but sometimes, pain is everything you need to incite you to move on. I was lucky that I didn’t have to go through that phase with just the pain from truth. God was so nice to have given me great friends, too, who gave me a lot of reasons to smile and live. Really, Lord. I couldn’t thank you enough, but I’m sure to love them more than I am supposed to.

Heaven sent.

Too bad my emotions didn't let me talk enough last night since I burst into tears just moments after I started with my speech. But I know you know what I wanted to say. Ever since I was a kid, I always hoped for a little sister, but I guess God didn't want me to go through the hassle of having to compete for the position of being my mom and dad's one and only little girl, so I was blessed with a brother instead.

Honestly, from the moment we met, I never knew we were gonna be this close, it never entered my thoughts that getting to know you would have a great impact on my life, until we started opening up to each other. Every story told and moment spent made me get to know more about you, and I just love how I could easily tell you things without the fear of being judged inappropriately, and that I was still loved unconditionally.

We've been through heartaches and heartbreaks yet we know ourselves that we can make it through, and even easier if we work on it together. I guess, every lady just had to go through that phase. Every person just needs to get hurt in order for them to find out how strong they can become and what they're still capable of doing even when they're a total wreck.

That short span of time of being with you, and knowing more stuff about you had given me the impression that not all broken people crash and burn. Some of them, instead of staying miserable, work on making a better person out of them by learning how to deal and that's what I learned from you --- HOW TO BE STRONG despite whatever it is that we are going through, LEARN FROM MISTAKES and try hard not to do it again.

To the anger, sadness, pain and happiness that we went through together, thank you. For always being there for me. For the shoulder to lean on. For the tight hugs for the number of times I burst into tears. For the words of wisdom, and for truths and facts that just needs to be slapped on my face. For trusting me, and for being someone I can trust without hesitation, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

You are my little sister sent from heaven, God's late response to the prayers of the 5-yr old Bianca. And you know that very well. You know how thankful I am that I met you, that you became a significant part of my life and that you are one of the reasons why I keep on believing that God wants me to be happy.

I love you, litol sisturrr. and I know I always will.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

So how has life been treating you lately?

PRODUCTIVE. That's how the previous days have been. You see, I volunteered to make the AVP for my close friend/little sister's 18th birthday, and I've been sleepless since monday. But I'm enjoying the fatigue, surprisingly. Aside from the AVP, I have been spending time again with my books and also with cups of coffee in a day which have been leaving me bankrupt and palpitating everyday. We're talking about 2-3 venti cups of coffee here, aren't I just suicidal? HAHA. I'm sorry heart, I keep on forgetting that I have mitral valve prolapse and that I need to steer clear of caffeine. 

Why can't I just study at home? I don't know.

My bed just works as a magnet and apparently we're of opposite poles, so we simply attract. I'm kidding. It doesn't happen all the time, though. I'm working on how to keep myself up when studying at home, but I just caaaan't. Or, maybe the ambience here at home just doesn't cooperate with my want to study, so it isn't really that motivating compared to that of coffee shops. Without a doubt, I think my med friends would agree with me. Apart from the bed that lures me to sleep, I also have the luxury to surf the internet freely which distracts me a whole lot, plus the tempting food in the kitchen that draws away my attention every craving minute of the day. Simply put, unless I get my anorexia back, I can never study at home. I'm kidding.

Going back to the title of this entry, life has been nice the past days, I've managed to get my mind off things I shouldn't be thinking of and have accomplished more than what I expected. I had time to visit the gym. However, the physical trauma I obtained from the foam party last august 5 happened to be worse than I thought, and won't let me work out extensively at the gym. I had it checked last monday, got my X-ray done and a follow up MRI to be done next week. I hope it's nothing too serious, however, the doctor told me I'd have to go through weeks of physical rehabilitation, until it goes back to it's optimum functioning. Help me pray that it heals up fast.

It's almost 5am and I'm not yet asleep, but I got to shut this down since I have work yet to do in dreamland. LOL. G'morning, buddies! :)

On idle and cloistered days.

Finally, my reclusive life at home is about to come to an end since I just had myself enrolled in Kaplan-Makati last monday to review for my NCLEX, and that might probably start next week. However, my class lectures won't start yet until the 3rd of october. But I'd still have to go there every now and then for the lab reviews.

Another good thing about it is that, they have a Fitness First branch near the area, and I have a passport membership, so I can still train there before or after my review to pull me away from being sedentary. I made a schedule to keep me focused on the things I have to accomplish and also to take my mind off unnecessary things.

What bothers me though, is that, I already wanted to work, but my parents really won't let me (STILL) plus it's really hard to find a job for nurses like me (if you really want to work in the field). They want me to focus on my review when I think I could actually multitask, so I'm still thinking of how to convince them, but I have to have concrete plans. Any suggestions on how I could go about this? Feel free to let me know.

Anyway, I have my stuff all set for the gym and for my post-gym study time at CBTL in ATC, so I gotta go. I just didn't want to leave my blog rotting in hell so I'm trying to keep it up to date as I could, hence, this post.

Twisted metal and failed hopes

It’s been a while since I last wrote. For days, I’ve been uninspired and unmotivated. Not really lacking in motivation if you can consider pain as a drive. I was just in so much pain, and was very discombobulated that my thoughts were so incoherent, they boggled up my mind. I don’t know what to write down, neither do I want to burst up in anger and reflect it on my writings. As much as possible, I wanted to think and feel positive.

But then, I feel like going against my wants and giving in to my needs -- EXPRESSING myself.

It was my choice to leave, yes. Not because I wanted to know how you’d react and feel, but because I felt that I ALREADY HAVE TO. I felt that it was about time for me to practice the art of self-preservation, because I couldn't endure the agony anymore. Plus I didn’t feel your need for me to stay, and so I went on.

You aren’t forgotten, definitely not just yet, and not ever. Like I told you before, leaving has never been my thing unless the situation calls for it. For a short period of time, you had me, you easily made a mark in my life and most importantly in my heart. I didn't want to leave, but that was the only way I thought of helping myself feel better and be okay.


I’ve been hurt, over and over again without you knowing, without me letting you know because I was so scared that might change everything. Little did I know that the longer it took me to decide on it, the greater the pain I’d have to get myself afflicted with. Maybe none of this was your fault, maybe I was just too gullible to have been easily persuaded, maybe, just maybe, had I been firm with my cynical beliefs, I didn’t have to go through this again.

I am sorry, self. For letting you go through another bout of despair. My hopes were selfish; just when I was close to giving up, it drew near me and haunted me with a mesh of what if’s, and a picture of a brighter day to look forward to, so I waited -- Only to realize that I was waiting for nothing. That the man I fell for probably thinks of me only as a drunken mistake, nothing more than that. That I was a wake up call to things he shouldn’t be doing, and should never do again. And so, here I sulk in misery because I gave in to my hopes. Because I fell in love. Because I believed that your words were heartfelt. Because I trusted so easily. And I’m sorry, heart, for being carelessly in love – blame my thalamus for leaving you cringing in pain, once again.

I am working on my defeat. I’m working on fixing myself… on being better and stronger. I’m taking this one baby step at a time. And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too.


Goodbye for now...

Look what I found!

Moments ago while I was checking on my ancient works on my other blog, I saw this. It's pretty much applicable to the current situation, don't you think? Dated December 2008, and it's amusing how this poem still applies to the present.

Dear the luckiest girl in the world, I don't know you,

All I know is you are the luckiest girl

Because the guy whom I loved, is your lover.

That was my destiny, but don't know why

Respect him, please respect him

That is all I want from you.

As not every person can get his love.

Everyone is not lucky like you.

I lost myself in his world,

Even though I loved him a lot.

But what could I do?

My words were weaker than I thought.

I am still wondering

Nowadays how is this life to you?

Every second is brighter

As a prince said he loves you

Do you ever feel sad?

I don't think so still I am asking.

There is no reason to be sad

After you got that much loving.

I don't know if you deserve him

Because he is the best.

But please make him happy,

So my heart could get some rest.

You are the luckiest girl

As his lips said he loves you

And here a hopeless girl is still waiting

To hear a word; Even if he says "I don't need you"...

It got me to think how many years have I spent sulking, even when there are so many other things to be happy about. This should be my wake up call. I gotta, get up, move on and get going. I guess I just miss being happy, I miss having that peace of mind, I miss being in love, and the feeling of being loved in return. I gotta delve away from this broken state. My happy place misses me, and I shall head back to it soon. I'm working on it. I PROMISE.

Breaking the Hiatus

It’s been a very long time since I last wrote --- about more than year (minus the one I wrote last january). The vast cyberspace has given me alternative ways on how to express myself, a place to rant, a site to bash all the bad vibes and yet I still feel that nothing could ever par up to the after-comfort that writing brings. Writing was just everything, while the rest were inefficient. So here I am, making up and cutting loose from the hiatus.

LOST. This is how I’d describe myself as of the current. I am lost in the obstacle of my own dreams, and in the maze of my goals, searching for the unknown. Yes, the unknown. I am in pursuit of fulfillment, yet I do not know how to get there. I don’t know where to start looking, because I am uncertain of what I really hanker for. Success? Love? Wealth? I don’t really know. I guess I should stop talking and start moving. I feel like Juan Tamad wishing for the fruit to fall without making an effort – wasting time in attempt to save up energy, which is actually FUTILE.

I guess I just lost my drive having so many stuff and people around me which held me back from what I really wanted to do, where I really wanted to go, and who I really wanted to be. I feel like I’m shackled by people’s fears yet my ambivalence won’t let me decide for myself either. I long for independence, but I have anxieties about standing up for it – what if I couldn’t?

I ache for the courage that brought people success, the audacity that would let me do the things I love without reluctance and without having to look back, I want to keep my mind focused on my goals and not be tainted by what other people tell me. I want to do things because I want to, and not because I was told to do so. I want to explore the world on my own, self-sufficiently make my own mistakes, grow and learn from them.

But then again, I keep myself hanging and unmoved with these four questions in mind. How? What? When? Where? …do I start?

TBA.

Here I go again

Yes, I'm all out of words to say, once again.

My heart at 4am breaks in confusion, and fatigue. It's beating, I'm alive, but I'm barely breathing, my mind ain't working. I refuse to say that I've fallen, again, 'coz I haven't, or maybe not just yet.

I'm running out of words to describe what I'm feeling, jaded maybe. Fairytales aren't real, but despite that, I don't want to be cynical about love, about happiness, about life.

You make me happy but you give me pain twice as much. You make me want to believe, but you wash away my faith. You give me ambivalence, confusion, mixed emotions, happiness, sadness, inspiration and pain.

I know very well that this feeling is temporary, and I can't wait for it to go away.

Maybe if I breathe in, think about it well, act as if nothing happened, then I could just easily let everything go. That includes you.