indecisiveness. :(

Everything was simpler and easier back when we were still kids. Back when our Id was more dominant than our Ego, and nobody had a problem with it. Now that we're grown up, we suffer not only because of the complexities of the real world but also because of inner conflicts - our altercating Id, Ego and Superego that makes everything even more perplexing. How I wish I was a kid again. *sigh*

The past few days were all about making decisions and my ambivalence that's stopping me to do things that I want to do. I wanted to look for a job already because being a bum and being unproductive at home is making me depressed, but my parents won't let me, instead they bribed me just so I won't end up signing any corporate contract. I've spent almost all of the money they gave me, though. I paid for my gym membership fees, went trigger happy shopping, treated myself to the spa, went food tripping alone, bought more accessories for my macbook (just because i found them cute), went house hopping, and did a lot more than that. Aaand, despite the bribes I've been getting lately, I still want to apply for a TEMPORARY JOB.

But I don't like contracts that would tie me up in their company for months. I don't want my 4 years of torture in UST-College of Nursing be put to waste. I'm gonna be a nurse, I'm gonna be a nurse, oh hell yeah, I'm gonna be a nurse! Because thoughts become things, and hey, I worked really hard for it during the review!

Anyway, I'm getting kind of sleepy already, and all I want to do right now is to close my eyes and pray that I don't spoil my tomorrow. :D 

Disappointment

"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."
— Jodi Picoult (My Sister's Keeper)

hello bum-life!

Last school year, I was complaining about how stressful life already is, because of thesis and emotional conflicts. I BADLY WISHED FOR IT TO END REALLY SOON. if only I could take that back, not because I wanted thesis and depression again, but because I want to be with the people I used to be with during those days. No matter how they confuse me with their loyalty and honesty, they still make (have made) me happy.

I know this one's a cliche, but really, you'll never know how much something means to you, until they're gone. I miss stress that's burning up the calories I take in, the field that I can run to (literally), to stabilize my mood when I'm feeling manic, the church that's 10-min walk away when I need a serene place to contemplate on the things that are bothering me. I just wish to be close to those things I love, again.

Moving on, well, I just hate bumming around, not because I don't get allowance (or maybe that's one of the many reasons why), not because there's nothing to do, but it's mainly because I've been gaining a lot of weight eversince vacation started, and my clothes are crying out loud, screaming at me, telling me that I should go on a diet, intensively, that is. I'm not having hallucinations here, though, not that I'd be needing Haloperidol to decrease my dopamine levels, no no no. :))

Just look and see how much my face has bloated. :(

Oo na, ako na mataba, bwisit. just check out the cheeks and the armssss!!!!

I have not been physically active lately, and it sucks because my arms, thighs, and tummy are getting bigger, and I could only watch them get even bigger. SUCKS A LOT, I know. But hey, I'm getting them abs back, I swear, I so am!

I MISS SCHOOL

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss school, I miss having to stay at the dorm, I miss cramming, I miss walking around the campus for nothing (or maybe to see someone), I miss jogging at the field, I miss my roommate (my twin), I miss milk tea, I miss eating fast food everyday, I miss the close proximity of my dorm to McDonald's (because that's where I go to buy ice cream, everytime I'm stressed or sad), I MISS MY LIFE IN UST GENERALLY.

Well, I really don't know, maybe this blog entry's the result of having this short conversation with Pat a while ago, he was my seatmate for 3 long years, and I just realized something bout what he said. TRUE INDEED, No matter how bully my RLEmates are, they still are like siblings to me, and right now, THEM being away from me just made me realize how much I miss them.

Life at home isn't really THAT boring at all, I have all the time in the world to watch the TV series I want, I have all the my food cravings just right downstairs when I need them, not to mention, I don't really have to pay for them, at all, the rockband game in my brother's PS3, my Mac that's almost giving up on me since I barely turn it off, and my yaya who's just there to do things for me even if she's grumpy ALL THE TIME.

But you know what, these TV series aren't really that fun to watch when nobody's there to watch it with you. All the food I have here doesn't really taste so good when there's nobody to share it with. And maaan, could you even imagine yourself playing rockband all by yourself?! That's actually one of the saddest part of being lonely, it's really sad to have noone to talk to, noone to share your stories with, noone to eat your sumptuous food with, noone to talk out your bad feelings to.

I miss the dorm, and my roommate, Kathleen, even if things weren't so well when we parted. I'm still wondering how she's been. I remember my dad told me when I told him things aren't going so well between kathleen and I, he told me, "You of all the people should know how to understand her, she's your twin, after all, and you've been really great friends, I saw how you guys were." I just hope things could still get better. :( I miss my dormmates, too, Abi and Faith, plus the caretakers there who were so nice, if only I could swap my yaya for them. LOL.

It's early in the morning, and I'm still not sleepy, must be because of the ice cream I ate just a while ago, talk about regaining the fats I just lost last year. :( UGH. So tell me, how do I lose weight with all these bumming around and eating a lot? My mom won't let me get a job and insisted on me taking a break first, and doing yoga instead, and I haven't found one yet that's closest to home, maybe I'd just enroll myself to gym classes in Alabang. I hope that could help, I really hate gaining weight. It's frustrating. :(

Because I wouldn't want it any other way...

this is when friends turn into family :)

Eversince I was a kid, I've always wanted to have a sister --- an older sister, specifically. But that ain't possible, obviously, since I'm the eldest. I just think that having an older sister could give you the benefit of having someone to tell all your stories to, confide your feelings to, and someone to share your kikay stuff with. Unfortunately, I wasn't given that privilege, but God gave me something else (after 19 years of badly wanting one) --- 3 wonderful friends, who's more than just sisters to me, I'd confidently say, they're just 3 of the few people who mean a lot to me.

Meeting them, and forming a deep relationship with them, wasn't just a coincidence, I believe. God planned all of this to happen. This could be the reason why I wasn't allowed to extend my contract in my previous dorm - to meet them, and know them even more.

Anyhow, I wouldn't make this blog entry longer, I just want everyone to know how blessed I am for having these girls in my life, and I must say, they make it harder for me to move out of the dorm after the board exams. :(

BOARD EXAMS on the 3rd and 4th of July, 2010! We can make it out alive, girlies! :)

WE CAN DO THIS. <3

We've got a huge wave of anxiety comin' up!

I've got approximately 2 weeks left before the board exams, questionnaires that I have yet to finish answering again. The feedback lecture on Preboards 2 by Sir Earl Sumile did a great job with alleviating my anxiety, and I can't be more thankful for the tips and pieces of advice that he imparted to all of us.

Got 12 more days left before the boards and just 9 more days left to study since I should have been finished studying for it 3 days before the actual day of the board exams. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, my faith in Lord intact, and my hopes up that we all pass the board exams. If you are one of the many Thomasians who care, please, do pray, too. Make it a daily habit to pray at 9pm, and let our prayers reach the heavens faster! :)

I just hope my anxiety level lessens a bit more. I still think that I still get that feeling of respiratory acidosis everytime I think about it. Must desensitize! :D

I love you, Lord! =)

Now I can smile :)

I was scanning my other blog a while ago, was able to read my previous sad entries, and got me to think how much improvement there'd been for a couple of months. Looking at this picture always makes me cry before and would make me fall back into memories. I never deleted the pictures, though, but I eluded to see them for how many months.

Well, seeing this just minutes back, brought me nostalgia, but in a good way. It made me realize how good of a friend he's been to me, and that I miss talking to him (even if he teases me fat most of the time). I miss having someone to care so much about, and be delicately cared for in return. I miss that cutie little boy who'd text me during class just to go to the catwalk to give me ice cream because I told him I feel sad. Well, memories like these would most often cause people to be sad, but just like a drug that you've taken more than prescribed dose of, it gives you a rebound/paradoxical (opposite/reverse) effect.

It made me smile, thinking that God was so nice to give me such a nice friend. He was one of the concrete proofs I have of God's answer to my numerous prayers. Sad thing is, We let our irrational minds get in the way of us lasting forever, or maybe he was just one of God's way of bringing me to the person who's meant for me. I haven't found him yet, though. But I sure did learn a lot from the times we've been together. Could it be that we're meant for each other or not, I still and will always cherish all the memories, and I don't have any regrets getting myself into this.

I miss Adi, and if there's one thing about us that I'd pray to God for again, it's that strong friendship we used to have. Anyway, I guess, I should just let the waves bring me to my destination.

THANK YOU, Dear! :)

HANNAH REYNO!

Thank you for being the first non-anonymous person to follow this blog of mine. :)

I just wanted to show how much I appreciate it, regardless of how often you visit this blog, and actually read my entries. Hail, all writers (slash bloggers)! :D

proven and tested.

and they make you wait for them to come back.

LIES. People never run out of lies.

On unappreciation and whatevs.

I just realized that, a lot would sob because their cupboards and refrigerators are empty, and that they have nothing to eat. Some people would kill just to have a place to sleep, even they sleep on they streets they don't care at all as long as they get to rest their backs and regain their energy to have some to utilize for the next day. Some would dive under the lake full of frogs and swimming animals just so they could rinse away the dirt that's stuck on their body, while I keep on complaining.

I complain about the cupboards and the refrigerator that's full of groceries to eat. Not because I don't like them, but because they're making me fat. I complain about my room where I sleep in just because the airconditioner isn't installed yet (because we just transferred to the new house) even if there are already 2 industrial fans around me to rid away the heat. I complain about the water I use when taking a bath because the heater isn't installed yet as well, and it's giving me attacks of rhinitis, just because I'm allergic to such.

I know I'm not the only one in the world who's like this, but at least I am aware, and that's been something that I've always wanted to change. I just don't know how. :(

Lost and misunderstood

It's not that we're lost in translation or anything. We speak one language, and I bet there's not a single word I uttered that your Wernicke's area found hard to comprehend. It's just that you never really cared to take an extra minute to process everything in your mind and go with what the majority also thought of. Well, I'd call you dumb like one of those people, if that's the case.

Of all the things in this world, it's close-mindedness, and indecisiveness that I hate the most. Not only because I feel like I am always misunderstood, but because a lot of relationships are broken because they lack great sense of judgment, and understanding. It's just like reading a book, your interest in reading the book is tainted by people's comments on it, with you believing in MOST of what they say, you lose the chance of (maybe) finding a book that would finely suit your caliber.

You lose the chance of coming up with a great find, because you trust people so easily, and didn't even try to judge things by yourself. You lose your chance of knowing a smart, and great person better just because your friends don't like him, because they find him uncool, because they think they're too high-class to be related to someone who's not so popular. I hate my mind being tainted by people's ridicules and criticisms, their narrow-mindedness, and their faulty judgments. I hate it that they have the guts to say such words but never have the courage to hear them from other people, such hypocrites.

The fact that you hate me, and that you say lies behind my back yet without even knowing me is a blatant pretense of your ignorance that's actually phony. I pity you.

I just want to keep on running 'til I can't move a muscle anymore.

It's no longer surprising how I came to love sports, and how I adore engaging myself into it. It was just recently (I mean, years ago), though when it seriously started, aside from it helped me lose weight, it also served as a chance for quality time for me and my family.

I remember when I was still a kid, my mom would jog around the subdivision, and I'd follow her while riding my bike. There'd be times, too, when my dad would wake me up on an early Sunday morning to go biking together and during my highschool days, I'd spend weekends with them playing tennis, or if not, badminton. It brings me nostalgia recalling those days when we'd just sit on the living room, arguing on who's the better tennis player. I could even remember it were the Williams Sisters I was rooting for. Well, anyway. That was so long agoooo. My non-sedentary life just had to be halted when I got severely ill, and intolerant to such vigorous activities. Depressing.

Anyway, my brother's the full-blooded athletic in the family, I must say. He was into swimming during his pre-school years, played badminton when he was in his early elementary, and is now playing for their basketball varsity in CSA. Good Job, shoti. :)

Right now, the only sport-y thing I am engaged in at is jogging, and biking. I wanted to try extreme sports but I'm such a scaredy cat. :( SAD. I want to try bungee jumping and sky diving even for once in my life, just before I die. My cousins promised me that when I go to Australia for a vacation, they'd bring me there. and I sure am looking forward to that! :)

I CAN'T WAIT! :)

I still have to focus on my upcoming board exams, and I promise never to become sedentary, ever again! HAHAHAHA! I wanna to run until I no longer can! HAHAHA! :))


must sweat all the fats out of my bodyyyyyy!!!

Losing your right to breathe

It's been months, and I really couldn't say that I'm a hundred percent okay, but at least there's been a lot of improvement. Aside from ridding away my eating disorders, I've finally gained back my appetite, yeah, my usual I-don't-care-about-how-fat-I-am appetite, but I do care, I just don't know how to control it. This is clearly manifested by the great amount of weight I gained, considering that I still jog.

Also, I've gained back my ardor for writing, I realized that, love isn't just about that feeling of butterflies in your tummy, or that feeling of elation you get everytime you think of a certain person. Love is everywhere, family, and my true friends who chose to keep their loyalty with me, my passion for writing, photography, and studying for the board exams --- these are the things I consider to be of great importance to me, they give me inspiration, same with love.

 this is where being deprived of a visa brings you --- out of the picture.

It's funny how people think I'm weak, some even told me they were surprised to have seen me during graduation, in one piece and alive, and still unsuccessful with my countless attempts for suicide. Well, my brain as of now has no room for suicidal ideations anymore. Thanks to my friends who never gave up on shedding light on my ill-functioning brain.

To those who believed that I can make it through all these, thank you so much, you don't know how essentially significant that was to my survival. My learnings from pediatrics and psychia has shed light on my blurred thoughts and has proven to me that MISTRUST really originates from inconsistency, and a great support system could definitely pave way for a weak and depressed person out of her sorrows and misery.

faith (M.I.A.), where art thouuuu?

I've transferred to another dorm for the duration of my review, and it's been great staying with grade-conscious people who also dream of becoming a topnotcher, to prove themselves to people, and to gain self-actualization (according to Maslow's heirarchy of needs). They make it a point that I study well and not just waste time on facebook and with sleeping. Thank you, lovelies. :)

With where I am at now, It just feels like gaining my congenital right to breathe, guiltless, and worry-free. Now I'm ready to study for the boards and pass (OR EVEN TOP!)

<3

thank you, everyone!

Thank you, Papa God! :)

I never run out of complaints

It's annoying how I find myself complaining about a lot of things, and never running out of mean words to say. I guess I just learned well from the expert, but it's a good thing I've detached myself from them already. Such a relief.

Anyway, my appetite's frustrating, it just won't suppress. From my previous weight last month which was 100lbs, it just skyrocketed to 120lbs. yeah, believe me. That was as of May 9, 2010 12:34am. And it's making me want to cry. :( my clothes are getting tighter and I could fit into my swimsuits anymore. I bet this is all because of the chocolates I've been binging on since dad and shoti got home from the states. I still have a box full of 'em by the way. As in balikbayan box, filled with chocolates. UGH. I just can't help but eat. grrrr. Besides, I've been used to not eating rice anymore, and skipping dinner, yet still functioning well, and now, everytime I eat a lot I easily fall asleep and not get to study anymore. Which has made me think that I should have just skipped dinner at all.

Boooo. Now, what do I doooo. :(( I can't and I'm not supposed to starve myself since I'm studying, and I don't get to think well without food. Or that's just for the moment? I still try to jog everyday. and I don't think it's helping me lose weight anymore, instead they're just making my legs bigger. Bullcrap. :(

"Ang pusong maawain, ay pusong maunawain."

That was what the homily was about 2 weeks ago, I wanted to blog about it, but I was too lazy to do so, or was just too preoccupied with review and clearance that I didn't remember to do as I planned to.

When I heard of it from the priest, a scene flashed back into my mind, It was saturday back then, just before that Sunday when I heard about the phrase which was taken from the bible, Dad was driving back to the south when we came across a man along the road approaching SLEX where cars were speeding. He was holding a plastic bag, panicking and hastily picking up pieces of white stuff, it took me a few moments before I realized that what he was picking from the ground were grains of rice. It made me contemplate about life, the things I have and don't, the complaints I make, and the value of everything. It made me fall into tears, actually, good thing it was already night time, so dad didn't notice that I was already crying. I don't know why, I felt pity and guilt when I saw the man, it was as if he came from a long tiresome day at work and he's bringing those home for his family, when a vehicle suddenly whipped off the plastic bag of rice he has at hand. The grains have dropped into the cement, yet he's still picking it up. The peculiar thing about me is that, everytime I hear a situation, I tend to put myself in the position. Okay, I'm weird. So what. Anyway, it's actually funny when you think about it, but I do get really affected by these simple things, that is if we could really consider them simple.

POVERTY --- who says poverty's a simple issue/problem? Had it been simple, then it should've been resolved long time ago. But no, it hasn't been, up until now. So this challenge goes to all the candidates for president. If you think you're great enough and efficient enough to resolve poverty in this country, then by all means, do as you say. I'm tired of the set of lies I keep hearing again and again on the radio. WELL, ACTUALLY, I REALIZED, that instead of paying up for the expenses that advertisements, flyers and whatever bull you produced just for the sake of winning have caused you, maybe you could just spend them on the people who needs it more than your Ego and dignity does! PROVE YOURSELVES, CANDIDATES. The Filipinos doesn't need broken promises and never-ending campaign songs to listen to 24/7. They're irritating, the more we listen to them, the more we like you less.

Give me something worth being happy about

My Dad and my brother's leaving tomorrow for the states, to visit Mom, and to have a vacation. I'm really happy about the fact that Mom's gonna have company there, finally. Before, I was even insisting that they spend the Christmas season there, even without me. Really. That would make me sad, though, I wouldn't deny that. But I really don't mind prioritizing Mom's happiness this time, seeing her happy makes me happy anyway. It just sucks a lot that bad luck was just plain too inescapable that I was not granted visa to US. And Mom can't go home just yet. It was heartbreaking, really, it felt as if my world fell apart. And it didn't happen once, but twice. My hopes let me down TWICE, in just a month.

That Christmas break plan didn't push through, though. And they just decided to have it this Summer Break since Jeth doesn't have class and Dad isn't so busy with work, and besides, he totally needs a break from all the office work-stimulated stress. It's a well-deserved break they're having, and I all I could do is to wish that fate worked the other way around, for me.

T'was just this evening that I found out that I can't stay at the house in Filinvest, Cainta since there are a lot of them in the house and there's no room left for me. So, I decided to just head to the dorm right after sending dad and jeth tomorrow at the airport. Yes, I'd rather be alone and sad than to cause people so much hassle.

I told mom, I'd just stay at the dorm and review my notes. and answer practice tests for the board exam. Not that I'm some masochist who prefers to be alone, I just refuse to be of burden to other people. No matter how depressing that is.

I refuse to eat as well, all these weight gaining's making me really annoyed that my family's making me eat a lot, and I couldn't even control my appetite anymore. It saddens me. :( I gained twice of the weight I lost last 2 weeks ago. :(

I HATE THIS.

LOVE vs. PAIN.

It's amazing how love can bring people together and even stronger. :)
EVERYONE MISSES YOU, PAULIEDOO!
♥ You're everybody's hero! ♥
"A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles" - Nikki Rapista. ♥
"When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope?  We have two options, medically and emotionally:  give up, or fight like hell." ~Lance Armstrong
And we all know, YOU can do it! We believe in you! You're always in our prayers and we'd always be here for you every step of the way! :) All the faith, hope and love!

Existence

Well, everyone's got a dream.

Some wake, and work their butts off to get to it, while some just go with the flow. Whatever goes.

I have not yet set my mind on that dream that I've established when I started college, but I'm nevertheless proud, that I've just woken up from a dream that I knew long ago, will never happen, and is far from actualization. True indeed, acceptance can take you miles away from the desert you've long been struggling at to survive from thirst, pull you up from the core of the earth when gravity was too much or you were too weak that you were easily dragged by it, and let you swim to coast when you've been gasping for oxygen for more than the period of time that your body can survive without oxygen. ACCEPTANCE -- it can let you move on, walk far away. :)

With that being stated, I am hereby enunciate my opinion that MY DREAM BOY DOESN'T EXIST, AND WILL NEVER DO. HE is just a STATE OF MIND which brings me depression and disappointment everytime my standards aren't reached. Hello, world. Hello, reality. Bring me back and pull me even closer to you! :)

P.S. I'm deleting contacts in Facebook, those people I don't personally know are so cut out from my friends list, so please, the next time you PLAN to add me up and don't know me personally, stop your phalanges from clicking the "ADD AS FRIEND" button, and spare me from the guilt of rejecting invites from people I barely even know.

getting there.

Losing weight makes me happy! :)

As of the current, I'm already 108lbs, and just 8-13lbs more to lose to reach my target weight. Hihi! :)

Because someone aspires to be underweight. LOL. 17 BMI. Pleeeaaase! :P HAHA.

I have not been able to jog for the past days since I got so busy with school works, and everytime I go home from school, all I ever feel like doing is to slack off.

By the time I shift back to my non-sedentary life, I hope I could lose more weight! Besides, if my appetite continues to stay this way, reaching that goal isn't going to be so hard.

MORE ANOREXIA PLEASE.

Back for good?

Look who went online to post an entry, ME! Finally, after a long hiatus, I've finally regained the ardor to write again. The past month wasn't really that busy, I just can't find anything worth posting here.

I believe nothing much has changed, except for the fact that some personal stuff have been resolved, and new problems came in. My appetite has been worse, and I'm sicklier than ever. My stress and anxiety just kept heightening, and there's no stopping it. I don't know if it's because the deadline for the submission of the graduation requirements is nearing, and I'm not yet even halfway done with them. My circadian rhythm has been on it's poorest level of functioning eversince this year has started, and I haven't regained the hours of sleep I missed to take. My palpitations have gone worse, I've been experiencing pain all over my body, and I don't even know how I got them, or what's been the cause of pain. Maybe the cause is psychophysiologic, you know, stress-mediated, anxiety-induced, depression-related.

The past few weeks have been tortuous, my life had its ups and downs, it even got me crashing to the ground. and I thank God for the existence of my family and friends, without them, I might have lost my sanity long ago.

True indeed, that the people who can cause you the greatest pain, are exactly the people you love most.

And bloggieee, you still never fail to give me that momentary bliss.

Now I shall rush to the main building and request for a reg form since I lost my old one, and I need that so that they'd re-issue me with a new school ID. Do you feel the hassle I'm feeling right now? I have 2 months and a few days more left to stay in UST, and my ID suddenly goes BOOM, gone.