indecisiveness. :(

Everything was simpler and easier back when we were still kids. Back when our Id was more dominant than our Ego, and nobody had a problem with it. Now that we're grown up, we suffer not only because of the complexities of the real world but also because of inner conflicts - our altercating Id, Ego and Superego that makes everything even more perplexing. How I wish I was a kid again. *sigh*

The past few days were all about making decisions and my ambivalence that's stopping me to do things that I want to do. I wanted to look for a job already because being a bum and being unproductive at home is making me depressed, but my parents won't let me, instead they bribed me just so I won't end up signing any corporate contract. I've spent almost all of the money they gave me, though. I paid for my gym membership fees, went trigger happy shopping, treated myself to the spa, went food tripping alone, bought more accessories for my macbook (just because i found them cute), went house hopping, and did a lot more than that. Aaand, despite the bribes I've been getting lately, I still want to apply for a TEMPORARY JOB.

But I don't like contracts that would tie me up in their company for months. I don't want my 4 years of torture in UST-College of Nursing be put to waste. I'm gonna be a nurse, I'm gonna be a nurse, oh hell yeah, I'm gonna be a nurse! Because thoughts become things, and hey, I worked really hard for it during the review!

Anyway, I'm getting kind of sleepy already, and all I want to do right now is to close my eyes and pray that I don't spoil my tomorrow. :D 

Disappointment

"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."
— Jodi Picoult (My Sister's Keeper)

hello bum-life!

Last school year, I was complaining about how stressful life already is, because of thesis and emotional conflicts. I BADLY WISHED FOR IT TO END REALLY SOON. if only I could take that back, not because I wanted thesis and depression again, but because I want to be with the people I used to be with during those days. No matter how they confuse me with their loyalty and honesty, they still make (have made) me happy.

I know this one's a cliche, but really, you'll never know how much something means to you, until they're gone. I miss stress that's burning up the calories I take in, the field that I can run to (literally), to stabilize my mood when I'm feeling manic, the church that's 10-min walk away when I need a serene place to contemplate on the things that are bothering me. I just wish to be close to those things I love, again.

Moving on, well, I just hate bumming around, not because I don't get allowance (or maybe that's one of the many reasons why), not because there's nothing to do, but it's mainly because I've been gaining a lot of weight eversince vacation started, and my clothes are crying out loud, screaming at me, telling me that I should go on a diet, intensively, that is. I'm not having hallucinations here, though, not that I'd be needing Haloperidol to decrease my dopamine levels, no no no. :))

Just look and see how much my face has bloated. :(

Oo na, ako na mataba, bwisit. just check out the cheeks and the armssss!!!!

I have not been physically active lately, and it sucks because my arms, thighs, and tummy are getting bigger, and I could only watch them get even bigger. SUCKS A LOT, I know. But hey, I'm getting them abs back, I swear, I so am!

I MISS SCHOOL

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss school, I miss having to stay at the dorm, I miss cramming, I miss walking around the campus for nothing (or maybe to see someone), I miss jogging at the field, I miss my roommate (my twin), I miss milk tea, I miss eating fast food everyday, I miss the close proximity of my dorm to McDonald's (because that's where I go to buy ice cream, everytime I'm stressed or sad), I MISS MY LIFE IN UST GENERALLY.

Well, I really don't know, maybe this blog entry's the result of having this short conversation with Pat a while ago, he was my seatmate for 3 long years, and I just realized something bout what he said. TRUE INDEED, No matter how bully my RLEmates are, they still are like siblings to me, and right now, THEM being away from me just made me realize how much I miss them.

Life at home isn't really THAT boring at all, I have all the time in the world to watch the TV series I want, I have all the my food cravings just right downstairs when I need them, not to mention, I don't really have to pay for them, at all, the rockband game in my brother's PS3, my Mac that's almost giving up on me since I barely turn it off, and my yaya who's just there to do things for me even if she's grumpy ALL THE TIME.

But you know what, these TV series aren't really that fun to watch when nobody's there to watch it with you. All the food I have here doesn't really taste so good when there's nobody to share it with. And maaan, could you even imagine yourself playing rockband all by yourself?! That's actually one of the saddest part of being lonely, it's really sad to have noone to talk to, noone to share your stories with, noone to eat your sumptuous food with, noone to talk out your bad feelings to.

I miss the dorm, and my roommate, Kathleen, even if things weren't so well when we parted. I'm still wondering how she's been. I remember my dad told me when I told him things aren't going so well between kathleen and I, he told me, "You of all the people should know how to understand her, she's your twin, after all, and you've been really great friends, I saw how you guys were." I just hope things could still get better. :( I miss my dormmates, too, Abi and Faith, plus the caretakers there who were so nice, if only I could swap my yaya for them. LOL.

It's early in the morning, and I'm still not sleepy, must be because of the ice cream I ate just a while ago, talk about regaining the fats I just lost last year. :( UGH. So tell me, how do I lose weight with all these bumming around and eating a lot? My mom won't let me get a job and insisted on me taking a break first, and doing yoga instead, and I haven't found one yet that's closest to home, maybe I'd just enroll myself to gym classes in Alabang. I hope that could help, I really hate gaining weight. It's frustrating. :(

Because I wouldn't want it any other way...

this is when friends turn into family :)

Eversince I was a kid, I've always wanted to have a sister --- an older sister, specifically. But that ain't possible, obviously, since I'm the eldest. I just think that having an older sister could give you the benefit of having someone to tell all your stories to, confide your feelings to, and someone to share your kikay stuff with. Unfortunately, I wasn't given that privilege, but God gave me something else (after 19 years of badly wanting one) --- 3 wonderful friends, who's more than just sisters to me, I'd confidently say, they're just 3 of the few people who mean a lot to me.

Meeting them, and forming a deep relationship with them, wasn't just a coincidence, I believe. God planned all of this to happen. This could be the reason why I wasn't allowed to extend my contract in my previous dorm - to meet them, and know them even more.

Anyhow, I wouldn't make this blog entry longer, I just want everyone to know how blessed I am for having these girls in my life, and I must say, they make it harder for me to move out of the dorm after the board exams. :(

BOARD EXAMS on the 3rd and 4th of July, 2010! We can make it out alive, girlies! :)

WE CAN DO THIS. <3