It’s been a very long time since I last wrote --- about more than year (minus the one I wrote last january). The vast cyberspace has given me alternative ways on how to express myself, a place to rant, a site to bash all the bad vibes and yet I still feel that nothing could ever par up to the after-comfort that writing brings. Writing was just everything, while the rest were inefficient. So here I am, making up and cutting loose from the hiatus.
LOST. This is how I’d describe myself as of the current. I am lost in the obstacle of my own dreams, and in the maze of my goals, searching for the unknown. Yes, the unknown. I am in pursuit of fulfillment, yet I do not know how to get there. I don’t know where to start looking, because I am uncertain of what I really hanker for. Success? Love? Wealth? I don’t really know. I guess I should stop talking and start moving. I feel like Juan Tamad wishing for the fruit to fall without making an effort – wasting time in attempt to save up energy, which is actually FUTILE.
I guess I just lost my drive having so many stuff and people around me which held me back from what I really wanted to do, where I really wanted to go, and who I really wanted to be. I feel like I’m shackled by people’s fears yet my ambivalence won’t let me decide for myself either. I long for independence, but I have anxieties about standing up for it – what if I couldn’t?
I ache for the courage that brought people success, the audacity that would let me do the things I love without reluctance and without having to look back, I want to keep my mind focused on my goals and not be tainted by what other people tell me. I want to do things because I want to, and not because I was told to do so. I want to explore the world on my own, self-sufficiently make my own mistakes, grow and learn from them.
But then again, I keep myself hanging and unmoved with these four questions in mind. How? What? When? Where? …do I start?
TBA.
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