Twisted metal and failed hopes

It’s been a while since I last wrote. For days, I’ve been uninspired and unmotivated. Not really lacking in motivation if you can consider pain as a drive. I was just in so much pain, and was very discombobulated that my thoughts were so incoherent, they boggled up my mind. I don’t know what to write down, neither do I want to burst up in anger and reflect it on my writings. As much as possible, I wanted to think and feel positive.

But then, I feel like going against my wants and giving in to my needs -- EXPRESSING myself.

It was my choice to leave, yes. Not because I wanted to know how you’d react and feel, but because I felt that I ALREADY HAVE TO. I felt that it was about time for me to practice the art of self-preservation, because I couldn't endure the agony anymore. Plus I didn’t feel your need for me to stay, and so I went on.

You aren’t forgotten, definitely not just yet, and not ever. Like I told you before, leaving has never been my thing unless the situation calls for it. For a short period of time, you had me, you easily made a mark in my life and most importantly in my heart. I didn't want to leave, but that was the only way I thought of helping myself feel better and be okay.


I’ve been hurt, over and over again without you knowing, without me letting you know because I was so scared that might change everything. Little did I know that the longer it took me to decide on it, the greater the pain I’d have to get myself afflicted with. Maybe none of this was your fault, maybe I was just too gullible to have been easily persuaded, maybe, just maybe, had I been firm with my cynical beliefs, I didn’t have to go through this again.

I am sorry, self. For letting you go through another bout of despair. My hopes were selfish; just when I was close to giving up, it drew near me and haunted me with a mesh of what if’s, and a picture of a brighter day to look forward to, so I waited -- Only to realize that I was waiting for nothing. That the man I fell for probably thinks of me only as a drunken mistake, nothing more than that. That I was a wake up call to things he shouldn’t be doing, and should never do again. And so, here I sulk in misery because I gave in to my hopes. Because I fell in love. Because I believed that your words were heartfelt. Because I trusted so easily. And I’m sorry, heart, for being carelessly in love – blame my thalamus for leaving you cringing in pain, once again.

I am working on my defeat. I’m working on fixing myself… on being better and stronger. I’m taking this one baby step at a time. And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too.


Goodbye for now...